JOKE OF THE DAY 9 Oct 2009

Profound Thoughts On Parenthood

~ There are three ways to get
something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your
children to do it. ~ Adolescence is the age when children try to bring
up their parents. ~ Kids really known how to brighten a household;
they never turn off any lights! ~ You know the only people in this
world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children?
~ Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to
shovel the driveway during a blizzard. ~ Oh, to be only half as
wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as
stupid as my teenager now thinks I am! ~ My best advice on raising
children is this -- enjoy them while they are still on your side!
~ There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable
diseases and his mother's age. ~ To be in your children's memories
tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
An alarm clock is a device
for awakening people who don't have small children. ~ Adolescence is
the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all
the answers. ~ The people hardest to convince that it's time for
retirement are children at bedtime. ~ How do you cope when the 'apple'
of your eye becomes the "Why 'orange' you buying me the latest Xbox
game?" ~ No wonder kids are
confused today -- half the adults tell them to find themselves; the
other half tell them to get lost. ~ The right temperature in a home
is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads. ~ Why is it that our
children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

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QUOTATION OF THE DAY
--------------------
They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone. But
they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen gems from
the world of literature, ancient proverbs, poetry and sayings from great
leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 8 Oct 2009

That Humble Toaster

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five,
maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for
it anyway. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would
buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national
security.
If NASA made toasters...
The crust would fall of the breat shortly after popping up.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt. It would produce better quality bread than the iToaster from
Apple, but nobody would buy it because it is no longer the "toast of the
town" the way the iToaster is.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You
would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster. You would
be asked your name and address at the cash register.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
Ginsu knives with each toaster purchased.

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they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen gems from
the world of literature, ancient proverbs, poetry and sayings from great
leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

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18++
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be expletive or subtle but they are definitely rated - XXX. Statutory
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JOKE OF THE DAY 7 Oct 2009

The Worst Opening Lines of Books

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is
awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a
book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books
of the entries. Some recent winners: "As a scientist, Throckmorton
knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would
never hear the end of it." "Just beyond the Narrows the river
widens." "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a
tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description." "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on
his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep... Andre
creep... Andre creep." "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the
cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a
back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do." "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage
cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel
floor." "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know
the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of
danger and spit in the eye of death-- in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies.
AND THE BEST OF ALL: "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside
darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed
through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at
throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden
amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's
deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
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QUOTATION OF THE DAY
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They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone. But
they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen gems from
the world of literature, ancient proverbs, poetry and sayings from great
leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

Join the Worth Reading mailing list @
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18++
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JOKE OF THE DAY 6 Oct 2009

Wife: Love and Marriage

~ My wife and I have the secret to making a
marriage last. ~ Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a
little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go
Fridays. ~ We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine
is in NY. ~ I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way
back. ~ I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested,
"How about the kitchen?" ~ We always hold hands. If I let go, she
shops. ~ She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric
bread maker Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. ~ My
wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake." ~ My
wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but
BOY, can she climb a tree now! ~ She got a mudpack and looked great
for two days.Then the mud fell off... ~ She ran after the garbage
truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No,
jump in!" Bitter Little World
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They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone. But
they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen gems from
the world of literature, ancient proverbs, poetry and sayings from great
leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

Join the Worth Reading mailing list @
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18++
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be expletive or subtle but they are definitely rated - XXX. Statutory
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risk.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 5 Oct 2009

Ten Civil Servants

Ten civil servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized - then there were nine.
Nine civil servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union - then there were eight.
Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,
'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.
Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified - then there were six.
Six civil servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatised - then there were five.
Five civil servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.
Four civil servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.
Three civil servants under review,
One left on secondment - then there were two.
Two civil servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave - then there was one.
The last civil servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.
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QUOTATION OF THE DAY
--------------------
They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone. But
they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen gems from
the world of literature, ancient proverbs, poetry and sayings from great
leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

Join the Worth Reading mailing list @
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18++
----
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be expletive or subtle but they are definitely rated - XXX. Statutory
Warning - 18++ may be injurious if your mommy sees it, subscribe at your own
risk.

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