JOKE OF THE DAY 7 Oct 2009

The Worst Opening Lines of Books

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is
awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a
book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books
of the entries. Some recent winners: "As a scientist, Throckmorton
knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would
never hear the end of it." "Just beyond the Narrows the river
widens." "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a
tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description." "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on
his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep... Andre
creep... Andre creep." "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the
cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a
back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do." "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage
cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel
floor." "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know
the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of
danger and spit in the eye of death-- in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies.
AND THE BEST OF ALL: "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside
darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed
through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at
throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden
amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's
deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
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