Thursday, June 04, 2009

JOKE OF THE DAY 5 Jun 2009

Adult Resignation
 
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an
8-year-old child again. - I want to go to McDonald's and think that
it's a four star restaurant. - I want to sail sticks across a fresh
mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. - I want to think M&Ms are
better than money because you can eat them. - I want to lie under a
big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's
day. - I want to return to a time when life was simple... And all
you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset. - I want to think the
world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. - I want to believe
that anything is possible. So....here's my checkbook and my car keys,
my credit card bills and my 401K statements... I am officially
resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further,
you'll have to catch me first.

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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

JOKE OF THE DAY 4 Jun 2009

An X-Files Christmas
 
24. December 1999 - 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania - 11:51P.M.
Scully, we're too late. It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you
know what you're doing. Look, Scully, just like the other homes:
Douglas fir truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked
with bows of holly; stocking hung by the chimney with care. You really
think someone's been here? Someone, or something. Mulder, over here,
It's fruitcake. Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal! There's
a note attached: "gonna find out who's naughty and nice." It's judging
them, Scully. It's making a list. Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at
great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year just
after the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the
heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged
chunks of anthracite. But that's legend, Mulder, a story told by
parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it? Something
was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread
man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a
hurry. It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder this milk glass has
been completely drained. It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without
remorse. But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Appeasement.
Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. But if this
thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked.
There's no sign of forced entry. Unless I miss my guess, it came
through the fireplace. Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some
huge creature landed on the
roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six
inches wide, nothing could get through there. But what if it could
alter its shape, move in all directions at once? You mean, like a bowl
full of jelly? Exactly. ...Scully, I've never told anyone this but
when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long
white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshaped head. Its bloated
torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away
and, when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of
my father. Impossible. I know what I saw. And that night, it read my
mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a
Mr. Potato Head. I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard
the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being
who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and
boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions?
If this gets out they'll close the X-files. Scully, listen to me: It
knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake. But we have no
proof. Last year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected a
bogey in the airspace over twenty seven states. The White House ordered
a condition red. But that was a meteor shower. Officially. Two days
ago eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in
Washington D.C. Nobody, not even the zoo keeper was told about it. The
government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They
fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending
half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will
collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives.
There's too much at stake.. They'll do what ever it takes to insure
another silent night. Mulder... Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On
the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter. The truth is up there. Lets's
see what's the matter.
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WORTH READING
-------------
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18++
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Tuesday, June 02, 2009

JOKE OF THE DAY 3 Jun 2009

Things You'll Never Hear in Church
 
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the
front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went
25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more
enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a
month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be the
permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 6. Forget
the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live
like we do.
7.I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 8. Since we're
all here, let's start the service early. 9. Pastor, we'd like to send
you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 10. Nothing inspires me and
strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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WORTH READING
-------------
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wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

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18++
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Monday, June 01, 2009

JOKE OF THE DAY 2 Jun 2009

Unfit and Unphased
 
I know that drunk driving is not a laughing matter, but this
story is pretty darn amusing. Since nobody got injured by this
knucklehead, I shall relate this tale: In October, a Redondo Beach,
Calif., police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged
him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Debalco's suspicions were aroused
when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with
half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its
hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept
driving... According to Officer Debalco when the driver was asked
about the pole, he said, "It came with the car when I bought it."
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leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

Join the Worth Reading mailing list @
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18++
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be expletive or subtle but they are definitely rated - XXX. Statutory
Warning - 18++ may be injurious if your mommy sees it, subscribe at your own
risk.

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Sunday, May 31, 2009

JOKE OF THE DAY 1 Jun 2009

The Mule
Jake, a farmer, had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. One
day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant
stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up
his back legs , striking the
wife in the head, and killing her instantly. At the wake, Jake's
minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he
would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke
quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the
wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached
Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to
all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her
dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men
all asked, "Is that mule for sale?"
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QUOTATION OF THE DAY
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They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone. But
they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen gems from
the world of literature, ancient proverbs, poetry and sayings from great
leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

Join the Worth Reading mailing list @
    http://groups-beta.google.com/group/WorthReading
Or simply go Blogging @   
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18++
----
Indulge your dirty mind with some outright hilarious adult jokes. They could
be expletive or subtle but they are definitely rated - XXX. Statutory
Warning - 18++ may be injurious if your mommy sees it, subscribe at your own
risk.

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