Joke of The Day

JOKE OF THE DAY 10 May 2011

2011-05-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

Deep Devotion

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence
one night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and
purred: "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under
lowered eyelids and asked: "How many times?"
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QUOTATION OF THE DAY
--------------------
They inspire, they motivate and at times they tickle your funny bone. But
they never miss to touch your heart. Your daily supply of chosen gems from
the world of literature, ancient proverbs, poetry and sayings from great
leaders.

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WORTH READING
-------------
Things they do not teach you at college! Life's puzzle unfolded. Words of
wisdom that motivate you to introspect and reflect. Here's your chance to
question the priorities of existence and also to get their answers.

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18++
----
Indulge your dirty mind with some outright hilarious adult jokes. They could
be expletive or subtle but they are definitely rated - XXX. Statutory
Warning - 18++ may be injurious if your mommy sees it, subscribe at your own
risk.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 2 May 2011

2011-05-01T21:58:00.001-07:00

Arrested Development

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old
granddaughter playing a game of 'Wedding'. The wedding vows went as
follows: "You have the right to remain silent; anything you say may be
held against you; you have the right to have an attorney present. You
may kiss the bride."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 18 Apr 2011

2011-04-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

Back To School

The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking
the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked
what he did over the break. "We visited my grandmother in
Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. "That sounds like an
excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class
how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?" Little Johnny thought about it and
said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 24 Jan 2011

2011-01-23T19:32:00.001-08:00

On Through

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now
found
himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could
contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange
breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is
that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven
must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 7 Jan 2011

2011-01-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

Mother's Day

Answers given by 2nd grade children to the
following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. "She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is."
2. "Mostly to clean the house."
3. "To help us out of there when we were getting born."

How did God make mothers?
1. "He used dirt, just like for the rest of us."
2. "Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring."
3. "God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts."

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. "God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one
dab of mean."
2. "They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think."

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. "We're related."
2. "God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me."

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. "My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff."
2. "I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy."
3. "They say she used to be nice."

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. "His last name."
2. "She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?"
3. "Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?"

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. "My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot."
2. "She got too old to do anything else with him."
3. "My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on."

Who's the boss at your house?
1. "Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball."
2. "Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed."
3. "I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad."

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. "Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work."
2. "Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them."
3. "Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friends."
4. "Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine."

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. "Mothers don't do spare time."
2. "To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long."

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. "On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery."
2. "Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue."

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. "She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that."
2. "I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
not me."
3. "I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 3 Jan 2011

2011-01-02T18:17:00.001-08:00

Children's Names

It was the beginning of term at an elementary
school... The teacher asked the children their names one at a time,
and also asked for each child to spell their name out loud. When she
came to one young boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka
Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that? asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me," said the little boy.

<Seasons Greetings>
Wish you and your family a very happy and prosperous new year.
<\Seasons Greetings>
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JOKE OF THE DAY 24 Dec 2010

2010-12-23T19:04:00.001-08:00

Ill Noise

One night last week, at about 3:00 AM,
our dog began to bark. Subsequent nights he barked at that exact same
time. Last night, irritated and sleepy, my husband searched the back
yard for what might be disturbing our usually peaceful pooch... To his
astonishment he discovered our next-door neighbor, Ralph, throwing
pebbles over the fence at the dog. My husband demanded to know what he
was doing. "My mother-in-law is staying with us," our embarrassed
neighbor confessed. "I'm hoping that if she keeps getting woken up in
the middle of the night, she'll go back home to Peoria."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 29 Nov 2010

2010-11-28T18:23:00.001-08:00

Librarian

I'm a librarian. When hiring new staff at the public
library, I always ask applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most
comfortable with... One genius answered, "I've always thought
Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 22 Nov 2010

2010-11-21T17:20:00.001-08:00

Name Game

I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder
with a friend... The speakers asked us to share a personal experience
with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, a condition
in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense. When I finished
speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I understand
why you named your daughter Hannah."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 16 Nov 2010

2010-11-15T19:13:00.001-08:00

Talking Shop

I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University... The new flock of kids attending college always
included those who needed a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry and grocery shopping. One
night, I was in the dairy aisle at the supermarket, looking for some
eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting
them in my cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton, then
leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 15 Nov 2010

2010-11-14T22:07:00.001-08:00

And Your Fish Can Sing

"Hey, Mike!" shouted Jimmy to his neighbor, "How's your new
pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special." "To tell
the truth," said Mike, "I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold
him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird." "What? Let me
get this straight," replied Jimmy. "You bought a fish because you
thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?" "Well, yeah," said
Mike. "After all, you know, he's a parrot fish." "Now listen, Mike,"
explained Mister Jimmy, "while you might be able to teach a parrot to
sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish." "That's
what you think!" exclaimed Mike. "It just so happens this fish CAN sing.
The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you
know how hard it is to tune a fish?"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 29 Oct 2010

2010-10-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

Calm at Sea

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist
assured me nothing was wrong... Then I told him I was planning a
cruise to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the
discomfort. "Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't go
overboard."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 20 Oct 2010

2010-10-19T20:51:00.001-07:00

Mission Space

Out in space two alien forms are speaking
with each other. The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on
the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons." The second
alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging
intelligence?" The first spaceman says, "I don't think so. They have
them aimed at themselves."

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JOKE OF THE DAY 11 Oct 2010

2010-10-10T20:42:00.001-07:00

Off the Hook!
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time
she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had
given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her
own private number and directory listing (this happened a few years ago,
before everyone had cell phones. Okay?) Two or three days after her
telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on
the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on
the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her
dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't
you talking on your own telephone?" "I can't," she said, "I'm
expecting an important call on my phone."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 8 Oct 2010

2010-10-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

Record Days
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and
got a private home instead. "Do you have `Eyes of Blue' and
`A Love Supreme?'" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled
homeowner. "But I have a wife and nine children." "Is that a record?"
the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn. "I don't think so," replied
the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 23 Sep 2010

2010-09-23T02:58:00.001-07:00

Being John Malkovich

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical
discussion -- in the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on
our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. "Who would you pick
to portray you?" she asked me. I thought about it for a minute, then
answered, "Dennis Quaid." "In that case," she said, "I'll play
myself."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 15 Sep 2010

2010-09-14T20:22:00.001-07:00

Just before their first long deployment, two Navy
buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A
senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the
conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive
to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while
you pack!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY 9 Sep 2010

2010-09-08T19:59:00.001-07:00

OCD Ad

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder... They were looking for
therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The
response was gratifying -- they got 300 responses the day after the ad
came out. All from the same person!
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JOKE OF THE DAY 2 Sep 2010

2010-09-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

Her First Time
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat
down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each
forkful. "How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished. "Well,"
he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten
the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."

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JOKE OF THE DAY 31 Aug 2010

2010-08-30T21:45:00.001-07:00

Love & Marriage

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by
the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the
high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased my dad, "the
premium would be much lower." My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that
would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 25 Aug 2010

2010-08-24T21:22:00.001-07:00

Some Late Night Hysterics!

"This is what is on the agenda over there
in Italy for the G-8 leaders. Financial crisis, global financial crisis.
World poverty. Climate change. Giant transforming robots."
- David Letterman
"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling
to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're
'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer."
- Conan O'Brien
"A Washington state supreme court has ruled it's illegal for a parent to
eavesdrop on their children's phone conversations without their consent.
So the state is telling parents they can't listen to their kids on the
phone they pay for. And of course, once the kid commits a crime, who
does the state blame? The parents!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 23 Aug 2010

2010-08-22T18:45:00.001-07:00

Prayer Time
The Sunday School teacher was about to begin a lesson-series on prayer. To
introduce the idea, she challenged her children to take some time Sunday
afternoon and write a "Letter to God." The following Sunday, when they
brought their letters to class, she had a hard time reading one of them
with a straight face. It read: "Dear God, We had a good time at
church today. Sure wish you could have been there. Sincerely,
Thomas"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 20 Aug 2010

2010-08-19T23:26:00.001-07:00

Disappearing Keys

A woman walked onto our
semi-crowded elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching
them... After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we
allwatched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and
the floor. I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried out, "Oh
no! Not again!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 16 Aug 2010

2010-08-15T19:28:00.001-07:00

Vulture Parking

I was driving around and around a parking garage in
search of an available space. Nothing! Then I noticed a couple
walking ahead of me ... "Going out?" I called to them hopefully.
"No," said the man. "Just friends."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 11 Aug 2010

2010-08-10T20:34:00.001-07:00

I Was Last!
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started here on
Staten Island, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was
embarrassing! The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was
making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
"You really want to know?" I answered. "Sure!" he shouted. So I
dropped out of the race.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 9 Aug 2010

2010-08-08T20:58:00.002-07:00

Perspective Mother-in-Laws

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well
Ruthie, how are the kids?" asked Raquel. "To tell you the truth, my
son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed
until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and
when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him?
Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Oh!
What a shame. And how about your daughter?" "Ah! Now there's a lucky
girl!" say Raquel. "She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in
bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the
evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 9 Aug 2010

2010-08-08T20:58:00.001-07:00

Perspective Mother-in-Laws

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JOKE OF THE DAY 6 Aug 2010

2010-08-05T20:17:00.001-07:00

The High Price of Healthcare

A man goes to consult a
specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How
much do I owe you?" "My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the
physician. "Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges
that much!" "In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could
adjust my fee to three hundred." "Three hundred dollars? For one
visit? Ridiculous." "Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?" "Look, replies the doctor," growing
irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?"
"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it." "I don't
understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most
expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?" "Listen, Doctor,"
says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too
expensive!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 2 Aug 2010

2010-08-01T20:37:00.001-07:00

Appointed Tee Time

John found the following ransom note slipped under his front
door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at
10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again." But it was
well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting
spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're
three hours late. What took you so long?" "Give me a break!" said
John, "There were four old ladies playing ahead of me!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 29 Jul 2010

2010-07-28T20:16:00.001-07:00

Slash & Dash
Ted and Frida were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small
business. "I started a new practice last year," Ted said. "I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" Frida asked in astonishment.
"Well," explained Ted, "it's the best way to learn which ones I can do
without!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 28 Jul 2010

2010-07-27T20:18:00.001-07:00

Alien Yack A Perfect Shot

A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of
summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of
his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say
that her five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he
found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to
relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger
moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab
the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son.
I may have to shoot the gator." To which the
lady excitedly replies, "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just
wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's
picture on his back!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 19 Jul 2010

2010-07-19T02:00:00.001-07:00

Pros and Cons
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points
and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell
you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant
one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the
advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage," she
continued, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 15 Jul 2010

2010-07-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

Preparing For an Emergency

Although this married couple enjoyed their
new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an
emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take
the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get
the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her
husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the
TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend
I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash
the dishes."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 13 Jul 2010

2010-07-12T19:30:00.001-07:00

Clingy Child

I was leaving for a two-day Avon Cosmetics conference, and my seven-year-old
daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was
mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband:
"Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do
you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 8 July 2010

2010-07-07T21:28:00.001-07:00

Cleaning Option

I bought a great new toilet seat recently!

On the label was a suggestion for how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of the
suggestion...

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 7 Jul 2010

2010-07-06T19:28:00.001-07:00

Reunion Request

I was in a department store dressing room when I
overheard a woman in the next dressing booth make disparaging remarks
about the clothes she was trying on... Finally, an attendant knocked
on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could
get for her. "I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman
answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me
look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger." From another
dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 29 Jun 2010

2010-06-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

A Major Bashing
In my senior year of college I reluctantly took a required Psychology
course. The first day of class, the professor commented on each
student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some
students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was
a Music Major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think
of you wasting your education to study music?" "He's just thankful," I
shot back, "that I didn't major in Psychology."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 28 Jun 2010

2010-06-27T19:20:00.002-07:00

Following Instructions

The little boy's grandfather had taken him for a trip to
the zoo and an ice cream. When he came home his mother asked, "Did you
thank your grandfather for taking you to the zoo and buying you ice
cream?"

The boy didn't answer.

She asked again, "I said, did you thank Granddad for taking you to the
zoo and buying you ice cream?"

Still no answer.

"You answer me, young man! DID YOU THANK YOUR GRANDFATHER?!?"

"Yes," the boy said at last.

"Well, why didn't you say so?"

"Because he told me not to mention it!'"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 28 Jun 2010

2010-06-27T19:20:00.001-07:00

Following Instructions

The boy didn't answer.

She asked again, "I said, did you thank Granddad for taking you to the
zoo and buying you ice cream?"

Still no answer.

"You answer me, young man! DID YOU THANK YOUR GRANDFATHER?!?"

"Yes," the boy said at last.

"Well, why didn't you say so?"

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JOKE OF THE DAY 25 Jun 2010

2010-06-24T19:52:00.001-07:00

A Giant Dipstick
On my first day working at a gas station I watched a senior co-worker
measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a
giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a
lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very
matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there
a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish
it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force
from the explosion would blow out the match."

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JOKE OF THE DAY 17 Jun 2010

2010-06-16T19:59:00.001-07:00

Name That Boat!

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept
refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told
her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted her thoughtful husband's offer. When
her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he
saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 11 Jun 2010

2010-06-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

Anagrams
An anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of
another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone
out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at
Scrabble. Word When you re-arrange the letters

Dormitory -----> Dirty Room
Evangelist -----> Evil's Agent
Desperation -----> A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code -----> Here Come Dots
Slot Machines -----> Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity -----> Is No Amity
Mother-in-law -----> Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms -----> Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness -----> Genuine Class
Semolina -----> Is No Meal
Galleries -----> Large Picture Halls,
A Decimal Point -----> I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes -----> That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two -----> Twelve plus one
Contradiction -----> Accord not in it
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JOKE OF THE DAY 9 Jun 2010

2010-06-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

Myrna and Ruth
One day some nextdoor neighbors got to arguing about whose dog was
smarter... "My dog is so smart," said Myrna. "Every morning he waits
for the paperboy to come around and then he fetches a newspaper and
brings it to me." "I know," said Ruth. "How do you know that? You
are never up that early in the morning!" asked Myrna. "My dog told
me," answered Ruth.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 7 Jun 2010

2010-06-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

Searching For Answers

The Sunday school teacher was carefully
explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of
Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut
the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah
commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it
over the altar. He had them do this four times... "Now," said the
teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah
pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of
the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "Yes, Sarah," said
the teacher. "Do you know why the Lord had Elijah pour water over the
steer?" "To make the gravy!" came her enthusiastic reply.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 11 May 2010

2010-05-10T19:13:00.001-07:00

The Alert Bracelet
A very little girl was wearing a Medical Alert bracelet at school when
one of the teachers asked her what the bracelet was for. "I'm
allergic to nuts and eggs," she replied. "Are you also allergic to
cats?" asked the inquisitor. "I don't know," quipped the little lady.
"I haven't eaten one yet."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 3 May 2010

2010-05-03T02:28:00.000-07:00

Finding the Good In It
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his
flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarrelling with
his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't
you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of
this drinking?" "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the
backslider. "Why's that?" asked the parson. "Well," explained the
backslider, "because it makes me miss the folks I shoots at."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 20 Apr 2010

2010-04-19T19:19:00.001-07:00

The Godless Scientists

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that
humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one
scientist to go and break the news to God. The scientist walked up to
God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; we're to
the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why
don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and
kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said,
"Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay,
great!" "But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back
in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and
bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and
said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 6 Apr 2010

2010-04-05T19:27:00.001-07:00

Delusions-Be-Gone

"Congratulations Mr. Smith," said the psychiatrist.
"I think we have finally and completely cured you of your delusion."
"Thanks...I guess." Answered Mr. Smith glumly. "But what's wrong?"
asked the psychiatrist. "Why do you sound so depressed?" "Wouldn't you
be down if one day you're Harrison Ford and the next you're a nobody?"

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JOKE OF THE DAY 5 Apr 2010

2010-04-04T21:18:00.001-07:00

The Marrital Blitz

~ Before we got married, I caught her in my arms.
Now I catch her in my pockets!!!
~ As she hears the Wedding March,
three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn!
~ After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love
and didn't notice."
~ Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of
pursuit.
~ Before marriage, a man "Yearns" for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' goes silent.
~ A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he
before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire!"
~ In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
~ I was married by a judge. I should have requested a jury!
~ Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's
sink.
~ I married "Miss Right" ... I just didn't know her first name
was "Always"!
~ Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and
debting.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 31 Mar 2010

2010-03-30T21:00:00.001-07:00

Survive!
A plane goes down in a remote area of Alaska. The rescue team finds the
crashed airplane. There is a lone survivor! The man is chewing meat
from a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him -- the rescuers
are shocked by what they see. The man says, "You can't judge me for
this. I had to survive!" The leader of the rescue team shouts out,
"But jeez Louise, man... your plane only went down yesterday!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY 30 Mar 2010

2010-03-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Swim! Swim! Swim!

Three guys enter a swimming contest -- the first
guy has no arms, the second guy has no legs and the third guy has no
body (he's just a head in the race!) They all line up, the whistle
blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes
the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head
of course sank straight to the bottom. Two lengths of the pool later
and the guy with no legs finishes first. He see bubbles coming up from
the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue
the head. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts
coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and
shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, but 10
seconds before the whistle some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY 29 Mar 2010

2010-03-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Here Comes The Gov!

Governor Patterson of New York recently visited a nursing
home in Saratoga County... After greeting the residents of the home
with a lengthy speech, he shuffled up to a 95-year-old resident in a
wheel chair and said, "Mam, do you know who I am?" "No sir," answered
the sweet old lady, "I don't know who you are, but if you go up to the
front desk they can tell you."

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JOKE OF THE DAY 25 Mar 2010

2010-03-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

Amputation Litigation

Did you hear about the surgeon who operated on a
patient who had a hopelessly gangrenous leg? The surgeon,
unfortunately, amputated the patient's healthy leg, instead.
Naturally, the patient sued. Years of appeals came and went.
Finally, the state's Supreme Court suggested the patient simply drop the
suit. The man asked the judge why he should do such a thing. The
judge smuggly replied, "Because you don't have a leg to stand on!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 19 Mar 2010

2010-03-18T23:20:00.001-07:00

Make Room, Make Room!

This man comes out of a condo after doing some
partying and drinking at a friend's place. The rain is pouring down
from the sky and he is getting soaked, with his hat drooping down from
his head. A taxi driver sees the man and stops. "Hey, do you need a
lift?" asks the cabby. The drunken man weaves over to the passenger
window and says in a slurred voice, "Yeah, but will you have enough room
for three six packs of beer and two large pepperoni pizzas?" "Yeah,
bring it on in!" exclaims the driver. The drunken man barfs all over
the passenger seat.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 17 Mar 2010

2010-03-16T23:42:00.001-07:00

Family Photos

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
"Who's this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles?" "That's
your father." said the mother. The boy seemed astonished as he said to
his mom, "Then who's that bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 10 Mar 2010

2010-03-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

The Letter of the
Law The following is an actual Correction Notice that appeared in the
Ely Standard, a British newspaper: "We apologize for the error in last
week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Doolittle was a
defective in the police force... We meant, of course, that Mr.
Doolittle is a detective in the police farce."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 5 Mar 2010

2010-03-04T20:24:00.001-08:00

Actual Labels On Real Products

On a HogTied car lock which loops around
both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."

On a packet of Paris Hilton juggling balls :
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable
for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
On WebBaby birth announcenments: "You must
have a baby before you can announce it to the world!"

On a can of "A Bug's Death" insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees."

On the CycleAware helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windshields:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a can of IceBreaker de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of BugOut insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not
tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

On a Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

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JOKE OF THE DAY 2 Mar 2010

2010-03-02T01:17:00.001-08:00

Insane Leader

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting,
when somebody sneezed. "Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around
from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything. "I see," he said,
"I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who
schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots
were heard, then silence. "I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who
schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything. "Very vell," he said, "I
vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more
people out of the room and executed them. "For ze very last time,"
screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?" Finally, the guilty officer could
stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, I am ze vun who
schneezed." Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said,
"Gesundheit."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 25 Feb 2010

2010-02-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

Confidential Phone Number

A new Senate page was reporting for duty on
Capitol Hill in Washington. The department head who was giving him
his instructions said, "And another thing -- you must remember the
telephone number here. If you are ever calling in from an outside line
you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the
page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't
understand." "Oh, I am confused," said the page. "I don't know how to
dial a capital four."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 23 Feb 2010

2010-02-22T20:51:00.001-08:00

Tricks on the Links

A man and his friend meet at the club house and
decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with
him and on the first green, he holes a 20-foot putt, the little dog
starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite
amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is talented! What does
he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults!" says the man.

"Somersaults?" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he
do?"

"Depends how hard I kick him in the butt!" says the wiseacre.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 4 Feb 2010

2010-02-03T21:20:00.001-08:00

The Disaster Scene

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster
before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.
How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere, amid the overwhelming destruction, he
would find his
16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from
turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his
path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny... Danny..." he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell
several times. He heard someone move, or at least he thought he did.
Perhaps it was just his thin attempt to keep hope alive. He shook his
head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some
light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed
against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step and then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of debris heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a
voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed. "And
clean up this room!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 29 Jan 2010

2010-01-28T20:03:00.001-08:00

Trimming Home Budget

Mother had decided to trim her household budget
wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed
it by hand. Proud of her thrift and consequent savings, she boasted
to father, "Just think, Fred, we are ten dollars richer because I washed
this dress by hand!" "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 28 Jan 2009

2010-01-27T22:14:00.000-08:00

True Story of a Toastmaster

Our son recently married a woman from
Russia. During the reception, Russian and American guests proposed
toasts... As someone translated, my sister-in-law said: "To good
health, good fortune. Go forth and multiply." I couldn't help noticing
that some of the guests looked confused. We found out later that the
toast had been translated as: "To good health, good fortune. Go and do
math."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 25 Jan 2010

2010-01-24T20:55:00.003-08:00

The Ideal Woman

In an American history discussion group, the professor
was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time.
"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet,
one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How
do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class
fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor. "For one thing," the student
pointed out, "She'd be nearly a hundred and ten years old."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 25 Jan 2010

2010-01-24T20:55:00.001-08:00

The Ideal Woman

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JOKE OF THE DAY 20 Jan 2010

2010-01-19T22:10:00.001-08:00

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1. Her chimney's clogged. 2.
He ain't got all his dogs on one leash. 3. He's got too far to go for
a first down. 4. Third-generation Kennedy. 5. Her sewing machine's
out of thread. 6. His satellite dish doesn't pick up any channels.
7. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 8. He's missing a few buttons
on his remote control. 9. There's not enough grain in the silo. 10.
Several nuts short of a full pouch. 11. Gone Surfing in Nebraska
again.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 19 Jan 2009

2010-01-18T21:22:00.001-08:00

Showing Gratitude

"Mr. Takerton," the analyst said, "I think this will
be your last visit." "Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked. "For all
practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your
kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two
years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from." "Well,
that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something.
Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the
most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for
helping me." "You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only
responsibility you have." "I know," Takerton said. "But isn't there
some personal favor I could do for you?" "Well," the doctor said,
"I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a
new iPod."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 18 Jan 2010

2010-01-17T20:02:00.001-08:00

Psychotherapy, It Works for Me!

A certain man was infatuated with a
young woman, but he was so timid he never had the courage to speak to
her... In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her
he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble. "Well," his therapist
responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little
boulder!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 15 Jan 2010

2010-01-14T20:14:00.001-08:00

Good News & Bad News

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
The husband answers and says, "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in
work today." The wife replies, "But I've got some good news and some
bad news for you, dear." The husband says, "Okay, darling, but as I've
got very little time now, so just give me the good news." "Well," says
the wife, "the air bag works!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 13 Jan 2010

2010-01-12T19:46:00.001-08:00

A Woman's Wish List "What I Want In A Man"
(Original List)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

(Revised List)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch and/or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks
8. Knows not to buy champange with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

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JOKE OF THE DAY 12 Jan 2010

2010-01-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Machine

Becky the wife had a birthday coming up and her husband, Melvin, wanted to
know what she desired most for a birthday gift. Becky said that she'd
really like to have a Jaguar. Melvin didn't think it was best for
her... but Becky begged and begged until he gave in and got her a
Jaguar. It ate her.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 5 Jan 2010

2010-01-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

If You Love Someone...

"The Old Version" If you
love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.... Now for some New Versions --

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within a day
forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

Vengeful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back,
Post nasty videos of her

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Schwarzenegger Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't set her free.

HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

MBA:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy

Somnabulist:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler:
If you love somebody
set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why
say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as a Bad Asset

Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 4 Jan 2010

2010-01-03T19:17:00.001-08:00

My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store
with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to
me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.. then
you'll see what it's like."

In between all this, my Mother taught me how to Live!
Thank you Mom for all I have learned these years.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 31 Dec 2009

2009-12-30T21:52:00.001-08:00

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
(especially when you share the same major!)

Psychology
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
Sociology
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
Archaeology
One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it
up.
Theatre
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
Biology
"You just wanted to get in my genes!
Physics
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
Journalism
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to
their relationship of 2 weeks..."
Women's Studies
"HE did it!" Laugh Your *** Off!
Business
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that
it's simply cheaper to be single.
History
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party
did in the past.
Geography
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
Anatomy
"I never liked your body anyway."
Economics
One party demands more than the other can supply.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 29 Dec 2009

2009-12-28T19:25:00.001-08:00

Post-It

The 7-year-old daughter of a Lieutenant answered a telephone
call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as
Colonel Hendrick. She asked if he would please spell the name slowly.
He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as
in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite." When her father
returned, he found the following message: "Daddy, call Colonel
Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 28 Dec 2009

2009-12-27T22:57:00.001-08:00

Caffeine Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm):
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha's forever.
Amen
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JOKE OF THE DAY 24 Dec 2009

2009-12-23T20:23:00.002-08:00

Random Thoughts on Cats and Dogs

~ If you think
dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then
giving Fido only two of them. ~ An aquarium is just interactive
television for cats. ~ Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it look like the dog did it. ~ Although cats are
rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments,
I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. ~ Musings of a First
Mutt -- Bo don't know Diddley about Oval Office etiquette. ~ Buy a dog
a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will
play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. ~ Dogs and cats instinctively
know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10
minutes sooner. ~ Dogs who can ride skateboards get 50 million hits on
YouTube.
Dog's have owners.
Cat's have staff. ~ Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are
God. ~ I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult? ~ No one appreciates the very special genius of your
conversation as the dog does. ~ Things that upset a terrier may pass
virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. ~ Outside of a dog, a book is
probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ~
Dogs shed, cats shred. ~ A dog is the only thing on earth that loves
you more than he loves himself. ~ I hope to be the kind of person my
dog thinks I am.

<Merry Christmas and Very Happy New Year/>
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JOKE OF THE DAY 24 Dec 2009

2009-12-23T20:23:00.001-08:00

Random Thoughts on Cats and Dogs

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JOKE OF THE DAY 23 Dec 2009

2009-12-22T19:00:00.001-08:00

Where There's A Will...

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the
re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy,
Will, to the event... But the poor child was terrified by the booming
cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down. Just
then, the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 22 Dec 2009

2009-12-21T18:59:00.001-08:00

The Three Little Moles

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little
mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole
sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell
honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff
the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,
"Geez, all I can smell is molasses."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 21 Dec 2009

2009-12-20T21:00:00.001-08:00

Random Thoughts on Cats and Dogs

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JOKE OF THE DAY 18 Dec 2009

2009-12-17T21:17:00.001-08:00

Playing With A Friend

George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his
friend's mother answered he asked, "Can Albert come out to play?"
"No", said the mother, "it's too cold." "Well, then," said George,
"can his football come out to play ?"

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JOKE OF THE DAY 17 Dec 2009

2009-12-16T20:18:00.001-08:00

Dead Frog

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and
say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive
or dead. Little Theodore said the frog was dead. The teacher asked
how he knew the frog was dead. Teddy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher shot back, "You what?" "You know," explained Teddy, "I
went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be
dead."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 16 Dec 2009

2009-12-15T20:03:00.001-08:00

Top Dog

Three men are in a pub bragging about their dogs. Each claims
to have the world's smartest dog. The first man says, "MY dog is so
smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes to the corner
shop to buy me the Herald. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read.
He comes back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog." The
second man says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give my dog
ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy
me a pack of Marlboro's. He knows it's the only brand I'll smoke. He
comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog." The third man
says, "That's nothing. You know the corner shop where your dogs buy that
stuff? Well, my dog runs the place!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 15 Dec 2009

2009-12-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

In Search Of...

I live across the street from a St. Peter's Church.
The other day, when my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard, we went
looking for it. She went off in the car and I started to walk around
the church calling the dog's name... I didn't think anything of it
until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.
The dog's name is Moses.
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JOKE OF THE DAY 14 Dec 2009

2009-12-13T18:16:00.001-08:00

A Riddle
The children's pastor at the local church was teaching some children in
Sunday School a lesson about God and all the animals He had created.
He decided to begin his lesson with a riddle: "What is it that collects
nuts for the winter, climbs trees, and has a bushy tail?" An eager
little girl near the front waved her hand. The pastor called on her.
"Well," she said, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it sure
sounds like a squirrel to me!"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 11 Dec 2009

2009-12-10T18:11:00.000-08:00

The Taxing Situation

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS
that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place
with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as
the accountant poured
over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must
have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you
say that?" wondered the broker. The IRS agent answered, "Because
you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than
Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 8 Dec 2009

2009-12-07T18:18:00.001-08:00

A Taxing Situation I'm not sure if this qualifes as a joke or a
tragedy! Here are some of the taxes paid in U.S.A.:

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Prostitution Tax (Vegas only)
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone State and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

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JOKE OF THE DAY 7 Dec 2009

2009-12-06T17:34:00.000-08:00

Context is Everything!

This is amazing. Read this ... it's all mucked up with
nonsensical verbae, yet you will understand the story because you
already know the tail! Rindercilla: A Tairy Fale Once uton a pime
in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was
Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her
mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the
geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had
to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other.
While they all went off to the bancy fall ,
Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a
shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father!
"Rindercella," she asked, "Shry do you why?" Rindercella mold her jerry
mud father of her werrible tork. Just then her jerry mud father
made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and
purned them
into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went
Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock
struck night. As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince
saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They
danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock
struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin,
Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she
slopped her dripper. Well the nery vext day the pransome hince
searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper.
He tried it on
Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad
blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last. Now the
storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome
hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your
dripper!
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JOKE OF THE DAY 4 Dec 2009

2009-12-03T17:30:00.001-08:00

12 Great Tips to Being Handy Around the House

~ If you can't find a
screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved
screwdriver. ~ Despite what you may have been told by your mother,
praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you
are working alone. ~ Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... keeps
you close to the refrigerator. ~ If at first you don't succeed,
redefine success. ~ Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace
the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on"
position; or just paint over it. ~ Always take credit for miracles.
If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly
starts working, you have healed it. ~ If it's electronic, just get a
new one. ~ Fix the shower while showering!
~Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes
DOES help. ~ Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. ~
If something looks level, it is level. ~ Above all, if what you've
done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

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JOKE OF THE DAY 3 Dec 2009

2009-12-02T18:38:00.000-08:00

Tax Time

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who
had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed:
"Mr. Hadoff, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and
work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and
we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness,"
returned Mr. Hadoff, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I
thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
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JOKE OF THE DAY 2 Dec 2009

2009-12-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

If College Students Wrote The Bible ...

~ The Last Supper would have been
eaten the next morning -- cold. ~ The Ten Commandments would be only
five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. ~ Reason Cain
killed Abel: they were roommates! ~ Forbidden fruit would have been
eaten because it wasn't approved by the Food Services manager at the
cafeteria. ~ Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to
abuse ~ A new edition would be
published every two years in order to limit resales of used copies at
the college bookstore. ~ Reason why Moses and followers walked in the
desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like
freshmen. ~ Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting
on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was
due and then "pulled an all nighter."

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JOKE OF THE DAY 1 Dec 2009

2009-11-30T19:29:00.001-08:00

Baffling Bible
Interpretation Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of
their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see... And
that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Miss Terri said. "But who's
the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

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JOKE OF THE DAY 30 Nov 2009

2009-11-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

The Lice Incident

My first-grade daughter
brought home our first "lice" note yesterday. I immediately got the
willies and grabbed her by the hand to shave her head. My wife stopped
me, informing me that she didn't have lice, but that we were supposed to
be on the lookout for it. I put on latex gloves, a surgical mask, my
raincoat, grabbed a magnifying glass and started going through her long,
beautiful hair. "What are you doing?" my wife asked when she walked
into the garage. "Looking for rice, Mama!" my daughter piped happily.
"Jasper, I already looked for lice on her head. Take off all that stuff
and come in the house!" "Mommy, I told Daddy you looked already, but
he wanted to look anyways. He said -- 'We had to be really, really
careful because we don't want those little bastards in the house!'"
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JOKE OF THE DAY 27 Nov 2009

2009-11-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

New Biz Terminology Here are some new terms to add to your vocabulary
from the 90s office environment.

~ BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a
group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who
was responsible. ~ PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a"cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and
everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. ~
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were
just tourists." ~ TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware
documentation. ~ CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is
within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career Ending
Behavior) ~ OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM) Click here
for Stupid Human Trick <http://www.irove.com/videos/144/0144.html> <-
PG-13 ~ ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere
are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they
were designed to solve. ~ DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by
your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the
job-from-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old
man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." ~ SEAGULL
MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on
everything, and then leaves. ~ SALMON WEEK - The experience of
spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else
get the benefit. ~ 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man." ~
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device
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JOKE OF THE DAY 25 Nov 2009

2009-11-24T17:18:00.000-08:00

Some Food For Thought

~ If you're living on the edge, make sure you're
wearing your seat belt! ~ The mind is like a parachute; it works much
better when it's open! ~ Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids! ~ There are two kinds of
pedestrians...the quick and those struck by vehicles. ~ I considered
converting to atheism but decided there weren't enough holidays. ~ An
unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. ~ Never take life
seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. ~ A closed mouth gathers no
feet! ~ Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die. ~ It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere! ~
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
~ Someday we'll look back on all this... and plow into a
parked car. ~ Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some
days you're the statue. ~ The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth. ~ Failure is not getting knocked down... It's not
getting back up! ~ I can please only one person per day. Today is not
your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. ~ Good
news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. ~ Stupidity got
us into this mess - so why can't it get us out? ~ People will accept
your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin
said it first. ~ I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an
interesting path. ~ Indecision is the key to flexibility. ~ In
just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. ~ I always wanted to be a
procrastinator, never got around to it. ~ I plan on living forever.
So far, so good!
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JOKE OF THE DAY 24 Nov 2009

2009-11-23T21:45:00.001-08:00

Totally Wacky Newspaper Headlines

~ Grandmother of eight makes hole in
one ~ Two convicts evade noose, jury hung ~ Stiff opposition
expected to casketless funeral plan! ~ Deaf mute gets new hearing in
killing ~ Police begin campaign
to run down jaywalkers ~ William Kelly was Fed secretary ~ House
passes gas tax onto senate ~ Milk drinkers are turning to powder
~ Safety experts say school bus passengers should
be belted ~ Quarter of a million Chinese live on water! ~ Iraqi head
seeks arms ~ Farmer Bill Dies in House

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JOKE OF THE DAY 20 Nov 2009

2009-11-19T18:08:00.001-08:00

Don't You Just Hate it When...
... You have to try on a pair of
sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
... The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back
of your ankle. ... The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets
on. ... There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down
to find an address. ... You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
... It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't
realize it till you walk across your living room rug. ... There's a
dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. ... You can never
put anything back in a box the way it came. ... Three hours and three
meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of
parsley stuck to your front tooth. ... Your tire gauge lets out half
the air while you're trying to get a reading!
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JOKE OF THE DAY 19 Nov 2009

2009-11-18T17:50:00.001-08:00

Medical Truths Noted at an Area Hospital

~ The patient furthest away
from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient
nearest to the nurses' station. ~ You always remember "just one more
thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into
that isolation room. ~ The correct depth of compression in adult CPR
is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
~ When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed
a rash of admissions. ~ If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be
thrown up on. ~ There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
~ When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ... ~
Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of
your RNs. ~ As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will
be ordered. ~ Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had
the night from hell and just want to go home to bed. ~ You always forget
what it was you wanted after you
get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the
other end ... ~ Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't
doing well. ~ Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs
when the boss is watching. ~ The more sophisticated the equipment, the
longer it takes to get repaired. ~ Experience is something you don't
get until just after you need it. ~ As soon as you've ordered the
pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three
ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
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JOKE OF THE DAY 17 Nov 2009

2009-11-16T17:29:00.001-08:00

From the Medical Glossary of Dr. Ignoramus Artery
The study of paintings Bacteria
The back door of a cafeteria Barium
What doctors do when patients die Bowel
A letter like A, E, I, O, or U Caesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome CAT Scan
Searching for Kitty Cauterize
Made eye contact with her Colic
A sheep dog D & C
Where Washington is Dilate
To live long Enema
Not a friend Fester
Quicker Genital
Not Jewish G.I. Series
A soldier's ball game Hangnail
A coat hook Impotent
Distinguished, well known Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work Medical Staff
A doctor's cane Morbid
A higher offer Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates Node
Was aware of Outpatient
A person who fainted Pap Smear
A parenthood test Pelvis
Post-operative
A letter carrier Recovery Room
A place to do upholstery Rectum
A Roman emperor Tablet
A small table Terminal Illness
Getting sick at a computer Tumor
More than one Urine
Opposite of "You're out" Varicose
Nearby Vein
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